Lately..

When I first started this new blog, I was extremely excited. I couldn't wait to start writing, documenting everything that was going on. Even if it wasn't anything good, at least I was sharing this with somebody.. But then one thing would happen, and then another..and another.

My fiance lost his job.. was forced to go back to an old one.. pay cut was worse than we thought it was going to be. We started to get behind on bills, then even more behind.. then we were so deep there was no hope for catching up at all. I won't go into details, but long story short we are staying at my brother's house for right now. I don't know for how long.. but right now it is what it is. It took me a long time to be able to physically do this myself, but I have learned that when you have a problem to face there's a few things you can do. First, you sit and ask yourself, is there anything I can do about this..Is there anything I can do to change this? If the answer is yes, then you weigh those options and act. But if the answer is no, then why worry yourself crazy? Why put yourself through all of that stress when it's unnecessary? So for now, I am going to enjoy this time that I get to see my brother everyday and my son gets to see his Uncle and Godfather. All I can do, right? Unforetunately, I am not babysitting anymore.. for reasons I won't get into right now.

So, surgery.. 

Well let me start by first saying that was the worst surgery I have had yet. Recovery was just horrible and alot longer than all the others. All I wanted to do was hold my baby, and I couldn't. I wasn't allowed. Luckily, I had a few people able to come over to help me and take care of Isaac. I wish I could say that I was feeling so much better. But that's just not true. My daily pain is still pretty much the same that it was before, but my periods are alot better. So that's better than nothing right? Hopefully the eighth surgery will be the last for awhile. 

I hope I'll be able to write more, way more.

xo.

Surgery

I know I'm way late on this. I had written a post later that day of the first appointment at the pain clinic, but I just couldn't seem to get everything out. No matter how much I wrote, or how many different ways I tried to explain it.. Just didn't give my thoughts justice. But now it's been too long, so here is an update on what's been going on.


October 10th
This new doctor was so amazing. He isn't there to try to cure me or anything with my diseases. But to help live with the pain. To be able to get my quality of life back basically. When I don't take anything for the pain I am laying on the couch (or in bed) all day long. And that's just not fair to my son. I'm twenty four years old. I should be playing with him not watching him play by himself. And this doctor completely agreed with me. So I go once a month to get medication to help with that.

What's going on now?
About a month ago I started watching my good friend's daughter three days a week. I bring Isaac with me, so that's fun for him. It's good for him to be able to interact with another child his age. So far, they don't get along much but that just takes time for them to both get used to eachother and learn how to share haha. It was going good, but each day it was getting harder to get up, and the pain was getting worse. So now not only was it unfair to Isaac, but Melanie too. Watching movies all day inside because I have to sit with my heating pad all day long.. what fun is that for two kids? So I made an appointment with my doctor.

November 14th is surgery, AGAIN. They are going in and removing all endo and removing my right ovary. I am getting cysts almost every month on the right one, and more endo grows on that one than on the left. So, right now leaving it is just causing more harm than good. I'm not really scared to have the surgery, it's the after that worries me. If I go and remove it, and I don't get any relief. I don't want to do this for literally nothing.

I guess that's all for now, once I'm recovered I should be able to write more frequently.
xo.

Nerves

In a few hours I have my first appointment at a pain clinic. It never fails. Every time I have an appointment with a new doctor, that whole day I'm a mess. It's kind of mixed emotions. Going to see someone new is a little exciting and i get a little glace of hope. Maybe just maybe, this will be the doctor who will listen to me and help me. Having a painful disease is hard enough, then to add the fact that its invisible unless you are in surgery.. makes it even harder to get a doctor (or anyone) to believe the pain that you're in. But with this specific doctor I have also sees a good friend of mine who has endometriosis as well. So that gives me a little bit more hope that I won't be pushed to the side. I will post an update later about how the appointment went. But for now, all I ask if for prayers and positive vibes.

When you have a chronic illness, there are times that doctors offices start to become a second home to you. It's just the sad truth, no matter how much you don't want it to be. I can't even begin to count how many times I have been told that my case was just to complex and was referred to someone else. You try so damn hard to be optimistic, but sometimes it's just too hard. There's not many people I can talk to about this. To most people I’m either being too emotional, or exaggerating, there is no in between. If I am quiet about my pain then it is seen as invalid, but if I am loud about it then I am viewed as attention-seeking.

Chronic pain is an illness that not many people understand. That is, unless you deal with it. It is silent, but my I’m either being too emotional, or exaggerating, there is no in between. If I am quiet about my pain then it is seen as invalid, but if I am loud about it then I am viewed as attention-seeking.voice isn’t. As a person who deals with multiple chronic illnesses, I know it’s hard. But sometimes you have no choice but to be bulletproof.

You're not alone.

Endometriosis is an invisible chronic disease. It takes over your body without you even knowing. When it gets so bad and the pain is far to much, that whatever you do, you just can’t function.The pain can be completely debilitating. I’m a human being, a woman trying to fight in this ultimate battle. Just getting out of bed in the morning is a hassle. Doctors say that I have a very “complex” case. A puzzle that just cant be solved. Why leave people suffering in pain and discomfort and not listening to them, not believing their pain? I only have no much hope and strength left in me. Feeling so vulnerable, so alone.. Where people don’t believe you, they’ve done all they can do… and its a wonder when depression hits? “Friends” say they just don’t understand.. I blow off plans, after plans.. social life is almost nonexistent.. You say that it can’t be that bad, pfft. 

I decided to start a new blog, start fresh. I thought maybe, just maybe getting my story out there might help. Not just myself, but maybe some woman out there who is newly diagnosed can know she is not alone.

Endometrisois is silent, but my voice isn't.